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Some decisions are hard to make but when you make your finally decision. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing you made the decision for you.

Justin had a hard decision to make two weeks ago. He wanted to join Marching Band for his first year of High School. Yup! I now have a high school student. He missed several practices in July due to going home for the summer with his Dad. So August 14 was his first day of March Band Camp, it was a long day and boy oh boy, was he exhausted. He complained and I calmly listened and told him to think about things and give Marching Band a chance at least for the first week. He agreed, prepared for the next day and then got ready for bed.

I felt a little uneasy when I woke up in the morning. Couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I was feeling that way until both Justin and I walked out the door. You see, marching band practice is right in our backyard. Well his old school is, it’s so close it only takes Justin two minutes to get there. As I’m walking to the car, Justin is walking to practice, my mommy radar kicked in on high alert. I knew I had to remain calm because he was in a crisis and he needed help deciding what to do.

So I took a deep breath and asked him what’s wrong. He said ” I’m late and I don’t want to get in trouble”, he’s breathing really fast while he’s saying this. He’s also hiding so they can’t see him. I said okay, “what would you like to do?”, He said ” I want to go home, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” I gave him a hug and told him to go home and relax and to not worry about things I’ll email the teacher. He thanked me about a millions times 😊.

I emailed the teacher letting her know about Justin’s feelings, she asked if we can meet and I agreed. Before we can meet the teacher Justin received so many text messages from his band mates. Some messages was nice and some not so nice. I was pissed because these messages was making Justin’s decision even harder to make. I’ll admit so of his mates were supportive while others were very mean.

When I mentioned this to the Marching Band Teacher it was passed off as just kids being kids. I get that but we need to teach our children to be supportive and to not make other children feel bad about making decisions for their future. After talking to his past Band Teacher and now his current teacher Justin decided to stay.

He made the decision on his own. I took his phone away so he can clearly think without the criticism or judgment. I listened to his feelings and reservations about being apart of marching band. He was happy with his decision and for now decided to only do it this school year.

I’m proud he made the best decision for him.

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In life we get annoyed by the little things when we should appreciate them. I'm learning to appreciate every moment and experience I encounter whether wanted or not. Saturday night I received a text from an ex and he wanted to know what happen, and why we didn't work out. I stated what I believe went wrong and how I felt throughout the relationship. He immediately got defensive and told me that I was wrong 😤. Communication was our biggest issue mixed with our egos. Boy oh boy! We'd say how we felt never really listening to one another. It was like being in a constant war from sunup to Sundown. It got to the point to where I never wanted to be home, never felt appreciated, my self esteem was lost, and I lost all sight of who I was meant to be.

Having this discussion with him brought back so many unwanted feelings and memories. It was one of my darkest moments. I never thought LOVE could have you feeling so HATEFUL and HATED. I hated who I was while in this relationship. I did everything in my power to save my relationship with him because I wasn't getting younger and everyone around me was either married, dating, and in a relationship. So I dealt with it. Because I needed to fit in and was worried about what people will think of me. I stayed in a unhealthy situation that caused me to go into depression. I never thought about myself. It was always about what others wanted and how I didn't want them to perceive me. On the OUTSIDE it looked like I was all together. I maintained the look of success and happiness, while getting lost in the perception of society. On the INSIDE I was screaming for help going through a world of mixed emotions. I wanted a fairy godmother to magically save me from the HELL I was enduring.

It took months for me to SAVE MYSELF. It was when I Developed a MEDITATION practice I began to see things differently. I knew that my situation was not how life was suppose to be.
I was not Meant to succumb to my surroundings and be like others. I was meant to be MYSELF. My PATH is not one with THEM but with ME. I watched people stay in miserable relationships because of the fear of thoughts and perceptions. One day , I woke up and I said I chose to be happy. I remember that day so clearly. It was the best feeling in the world. I ended things with my ex that day. He wasn't so happy and I was so nervous because thoughts started to creep but I knew that this isn't what life is about.

Life isn't about being miserable. It's about being Happy. It's about Being able to Be You! It's about Loving Yourself! It's being at Peace no matter what.

I knew my new journey would not be easy because I would miss our routine. We shared a lot of time together and we made our lives one. However, the feeling of starting over made it all so easy. It felt good not being in a dark place. It felt good to finally be happy. It felt good to feel again. It felt nice for Justin to see me truly Happy. He was one of the reason why I stayed in the relationship with my ex. He wanted me to be married and I wanted to give him that. He wanted me to have everything his dad had. His dad is married and Justin wanted that for me. He would have talks with his Dad about me and my ex getting married. He would also talk about our fights and me not being happy. All he wanted was another Dad because he already had two moms. 😔

He knew I wasn't happy. I didn't think he knew, one because of his age ( he was 6 at the time) and two I thought I hid it well. When I finally chose me. He said to me. It's okay if you're not with Trey anymore I like that you're not arguing and that you're smiling again.

That meant the world to me. Because everything I do is for him. Every choice I make is so that I won't disappoint him. I know that's not reality. It took me some time to see that. We will disappoint our children because disappointment is apart of life. We have to teach them how to cope, adjust to it, then move forward. The one thing I know that I taught Justin from this situation is being happy and putting yourself first emotionally.

As parents we always make things about our children. Wanting to do and be the best for them. Not realizing that they could just want us to be Happy. Even though he wanted me to be married to Trey. Justin wanted me to be Happy first and if being Happy didn't include Trey he was okay with that. Through all of this I'm glad he had his dad to share his feelings with. His dad shared with me how Justin felt and that made my proud of my decision.

This post was suppose to be short and simple. As you can see I allowed my thoughts and words the chance to be. Now, getting back to the topic the little things. This conversation although I did not want to have with my ex, it allowed me to say how I always felt. He finally listened. I wished him well Thanked him.

I Thanked him because the relationship I had with him started me on my path to True Self Love and Self Forgiveness. Our conversation was a reminder of a place where I never want to go back to. I am truly happy where I am. 😊

I am no longer that young woman who changes herself so people can like or love her. I am the Woman I Want to Be and Was Destined to Be. I am Being Me.

It's The Little Things… it's not your typical little thing but it sure will have you reflecting.

Happy Monday 😘

What Did He Say??

“Take a deep breath! Sigh. Now take another deep breath.” That’s what I had to tell myself after Justin told me what a friend of his said to him. His friend told him, “Your autism is the reason why you’re stupid!” I took several deep breaths. I was pissed and angry. Justin was really hurt after hearing this. He didn’t want to play with anyone after hearing what his friend said to him. I was so upset that I spoke to his friend’s mother. She was very apologetic but it seemed like her child could have cared less about what he said and how he made Justin feel. It took Justin a few days to get over what was said to him. He asked me, “Why can’t people accept that everyone is different and not the same?” He also asked me, “How do I get them to accept me the way I accept me?” I took a deep breath again and reminded him that just like how everyone is different, everyone doesn’t think the same and isn’t brought up with the same morals, manners, and respect. I also told him that as long as he accepts who he is then that’s all that really matters. However, he is an adolescent and wants to be accepted by his peers, and I know this will remain a challenge for us. 

Not A Good Day :-(

Before I start going on about it being not a good day, I must admit it really feels good to write. I miss writing. Today appeared to be a really rough day for both Justin and I. My day was dealing with work gossip and drama and his day ended with fighting. At work I’m a professional and I avoid work drama at all costs, but it annoys me that somehow I’m one of the few talked about by the majority. It took many whoosah’s to let go of what I heard. But I did I realize that not everyone is going to want to see you succeed in life, even though I wish that everyone finds success in theirs.
 As soon as I got home. I reflected on positive words said to me by a dear friend. It helped me feel better and proceed with my evening. As I was preparing dinner Justin calls me, calm at first, and then he starts crying. Any time I hear him crying my cape comes on. He said a friend was bothering him and then slapped him in the face. I went off. I told Justin to hit the boy back. Well I said a little more than that. I’ll admit I was cursing up a storm.
 I hate when kids take his kindness for weakness. I teach Justin to ignore and to try not to fight if he can walk away. I’m thinking I should reconsider what I was teaching him. I see the anger that resides in him. I know that when he really gets angry, he can hurt someone. I’m sure it doesn’t help him when I’m upset and yelling about his situation, especially being that he doesn’t want to hit people. He dislikes hitting because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. I love that quality in him as well as dislike it. I just wish he one day would give people back what they give to him. Sigh……

Day to Day

These past few weeks have been really challenging for the both of us. We knew Justin’s in-home counseling services would end soon. However, we were not expecting my new diagnosis. At least I was not expecting it.  I knew that I wasn’t feeling like myself but dismissed it as the day to day hormonal things women go through. The thing is my hormones are usually balanced and I am never really irritable because of my meditation practices. I am typically a calm person who has their moments from time to time, but they are very seldom.

I do not like how I feel. I feel like I do not know myself. Its hard to focus on meditating when your mind and body wants to run all day long. I was truly depressed recently. I have been upset that I had a hard time sitting down to write a post. It took me one week to write one post when normally it takes me several hours to write three. As I said before, my body would shake uncontrollably making it hard to type and or write. I would lose my train of thought when I was writing and would forget to sit down and write. I was irritable with myself and  especially angry at my symptoms. I know that what I have been experiencing is all due to my diagnosis. I am happy to say I am finally on medicine and my symptoms are being maintained. In a few weeks I will have to come off my medicine so more tests can be run to find out the root cause of my condition. I know I will not be happy about it but I plan on finding things that I can do to reduce my symptoms. So far I found foods that will reduce my  thyroid gland from producing too much hormone. Also, meditation will help me during those moments to when I want to pull my hair out.

This is a new journey for not only me, but for Justin. On top of dealing with me and my moods he has been dealing with the lost of his counselor and behavioral assistant. It seemed like all of the strategies that were taught to him went straight out the door the day following their last day. He’s been in a bad mood and everything someone says to him at school annoys him. I’ll admit I have been annoyed with his moodiness. It’s hard dealing with your child’s emotions while you’re trying to maintain your own emotions that you have no control over. I’ve apologized to  Justin several time for my “ I’m not having that ” rants. I am blessed that he understands what I am going through.